Donkey Kong Bananza (Nintendo Switch 2)

Let me be real with y'all — I wanted to like Donkey Kong Bananza. I really did. DK is one of those franchises I grew up on, and when they announced a new 3D platformer for the Switch 2 launch, I was ready to get hyped. Then I played it.

This ain't the Donkey Kong I remember.

Let me take you back for a second. Donkey Kong Country on the SNES was a goddamn masterpiece. That game had weight, it had challenge, it had atmosphere. The soundtrack alone — David Wise put his whole soul into that music. DKC2: Diddy's Kong Quest took everything up a notch with level design that still holds up against anything released today. And Tropical Freeze? That game was brutal in the best way. Tight platforming, creative boss fights, and a difficulty curve that respected your time while still kicking your ass. Those games understood what Donkey Kong was — a primal, chest-thumping powerhouse smashing through everything in his path. There was nothing soft about it. DK was a damn alpha. A prime ape that only knew two things: smash and beat chest. That energy made those games feel raw, even dangerous for a platformer.

Bananza? It feels like they focus-grouped the soul right out of him.

Now you've got a 13-year-old Pauline riding on DK's back, narrating the whole adventure with monologues at every rest stop. The game is constantly stopping to talk at you. The tone is soft, safe, and sanitized. They took a character who used to feel like a force of nature and turned him into a babysitter. The whole vibe is woke as fuck — everything's been smoothed over, filed down, made palatable for the most sensitive audience imaginable. DK doesn't feel dangerous anymore. He feels domesticated.

Gameplay-wise, yeah — it works. You smash shit, you collect bananas, you dig-punch through the ground. The destruction mechanics are satisfying enough, and the environmental variety is solid. There are moments where the chaos clicks and you're having a good time. But it's all so damn easy. There's no teeth to it. No Tropical Freeze-level challenge that makes you earn the win. It's a kids' game through and through.

And look — I'm not saying kids' games are bad. If you're eight years old and this is your first DK game, you're probably having the time of your life. And honestly? If Bananza gets a new generation of kids interested enough to go back and play the Country games or Tropical Freeze, then it served a purpose. That's a W. I'm not gonna shit on a game for being accessible to children.

But I'm not a child. And this game was not made for me. It was made for a version of the gaming audience that needs everything wrapped in bubble wrap. Donkey Kong used to be a manly franchise — and I don't give a shit if that sounds old-school. It was never a nerdy game. It was never a soft game. It was a gorilla punching crocodiles in the face to a jungle drum soundtrack. That energy is gone, replaced with teenage girl monologues and safe, hand-holding game design.

If you've got kids, buy it for them. They'll love it. If you're a grown-ass adult looking for the DK experience you remember? This ain't it. Go replay Tropical Freeze and remember what this franchise used to be.